But as I got to meet up with and speak with my friends one-on-one, in person, the last 2 days, I’ve been so encouraged by their enthusiastic responses! Almost everyone was excited and happy for me and what I’d learn and grow in while there at IHOP-KC *International House of Prayer in Kansas City*! Their excitement and hopeful thoughts and prayers for me and my future there were extremely encouraging and reassuring for me. I was so relieved that I was met by positive feelings and thoughts as opposed to other possible responses due to the suddenness of this news to everyone.

God is faithful and he will take care of everything even while I’m not around to help out physically. I’ve got to let go and trust God. Trust that he’s got everything covered. He’s got big plans for AAIV this semester and he’s got big plans for me apart from them as well. I’ve got to keep trusting and keep moving forward in faith and hope of His good and perfect will (plans).

Day 3 was spent at the mall making my rounds to the various stores asking if they’re hiring for January. (After spending 2+ hours working on a ‘resume’ to make things go faster.. they still needed me to fill their store apps out.. >.<;; fail.) Some seemed somewhat promising.. hopefully they’ll still feel the same after reviewing my apps and ‘resumes’~~ *crossing fingers* *aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* wanna explode from the anticipation and beginnings of worries…~~~ i really hope this all works out…!!!

Day 2 started as a flop, in terms of job hunting, but Dad got home and gave me a BIG chunk of his mind… that got ME going… so did online job hunting… tough stuff… i don’t know HOW many hours was spent on that, but I eventually found at least 3 to fill out online.. *whew* I would have been in deep trouble if I didn’t accomplish at least that… (Father’s expectations.. which I’m glad for, or else I would not be going in the direction as quickly as I have been this week~~ )

Day 1 stumbled upon a Jimmy Johns!!! Jumped on THAT opportunity quick! I LOVE JIMMY JOHNS SUBS!!!!!!!!! delicious!!!! And was told by the other 2 places to fill online applications for them.. Darn the online apps!!!! SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it’s those questions that sabotage my chances at being hired!!!! They seem so TRICKY~!!! O.O;;; I just want to get hired!!! If there’s a faulty way of thinking, I can learn the way you guys want me to think!!! Just tell me/teach me and I WILL CHANGE IT!!!! or at least try my darned best to!!! x.x

Anywho… overall, the past 3 days have been sort of intense… yesterday taking the cake for intensity and feeling the tiredness of trying to get a job… *whew* I’ve heard it was hard, but… daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang~! Today’s gonna be another day of online apps. (following up on Day3 shops that only have online apps, and applying some things I hope will help me be more efficient, in light of my 3 days of experience so far on the hunt.)

Wish me luck!

Why do I get confirmations/affirmations AFTER the fact…?? Maybe because I decide to open up communications after I’ve already made all my decisions… *sigh*, the way I go about things don’t seem to make sense a lot of times… WHY!!!! Now I have to face them… and confront all my own insecurities and negligences. Please don’t let me revert to blaming them or sounding like I am..! That’s the LAST thing I want them to think!! Help me own up and just explain. In a way that’s easy for them to follow/understand where I am/was coming from. *sigh*

Then today, that I must turn in all the missing assignments in by this Friday or else my standing in that class and in the program will be in jeopardy!

I can’t help but to think the worse case scenario.. that I FAIL. And think of possible alternatives for my life if not school and what I planned. Why doesn’t my mind think like a fighter? Why is it so quick to give up in hopelessness? How do you get a brain to start thinking positive and in terms of doable? I really just want to give up! I’ll have moments where I feel like, “oh, this can be doable!” And then a switch flips again and I’m back at the thoughts of, “ohhhhhh craaaaaap~~~ How can I get all this done in the time allotted??!! How did this seem doable just a little while ago?? gah!!

I was just watching Invisible Children videos and stumbled upon Nate Henn’s story… something shakes and stirs within me.. What am I giving my life for? Is it all worth it? What am I fighting for? Do I believe in it? Have I lost sight of my mission? of my passion? What’s my driving force nowadays? Fear? Insecurities? Obligation? What should my heart look like? He died for a cause, a purpose he truly believed in. His actions reflected what was important to him, something that was bigger than himself, and he’s leaving a legacy. What am I building? Would my life move others to join in a same cause, a same purpose? What is my life speaking to others? Am I living for something greater than myself? Or am I just living for something that only affects me? How can I make a greater impact? What will truly motivate me?

I’m really affected by people presence/absence…

People don’t even have to be with me, but having them around me is extremely helpful. it’s quite difficult for me to concentrate/focus when there’s nobody around me. Well, I get distracted when certain people are around me too..

Maybe I’m just using this as an excuse?? I know there have been some times when there were no people around me at all and yet I was able to get a LOT done… I feel extremely stressed.. and my feet are really cold.. and there’s no one around me to vent to…!! I’ve got the music on, the computer on for communicating with my project group, and online docs for assignments… and the list of all the assignments I need to get done!!!! On the outside, I may seem fine right now, to myself, but on the inside, I’M FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!! I want to go into frantic mode! I need someone/something to keep me grounded!!! I’m frustrated with how I spent my weekend academically… although I did enjoy the family time and focusing a lot of my energies on something else other than school for a change from last week… but now I’m feeling the consequences of that all CRASHING DOWN ON ME!!!~~

There’s been some self-discovery, self-conviction, rediscovering hobby joys and possibilities, meeting interesting people interested/involved in similar hobbies/careers as me, SLEEPING, and actually conversing with my parents for a few minutes over breakfast/lunch eating healthy food together~. It’s so nice getting to spend a relaxing morning with my parents, eating real food that’s good for us, and having time with them where they’re available to hear me and respond with valuable tips and advice. I know they love me and care for me, but sometimes we just get swept up in tidal waves of things to do in this ocean of life.. and it’s nice to have some islands stop by underneath us to rest upon for a few quick minutes to catch up and care for each other. I need to create some islands for us during the upcoming years so that we don’t get too busy for us most of the time. Maybe someday those islands will become a countryside.~ That’d be nice.

When I say “create some islands”, I also mean me doing more things to show them I’m thinking of them and that I care for them too. Most days, I’m so absorbed by my own “to-do” lists, my own life, my own feelings, that I forget to think about them and their lives and feelings. I get self-absorbed and stuck in self-pity…

How do I just get over it and move on and become productive with my life and energy when I get started and stuck in that direction of thinking?? This is the issue that I need help with the most for my academic life right now, I believe.!!

Snap Out of iT and get going! get moving!! Do something with your life!! Do what you need to do! And allot time to do the things you want to do while allotting enough time to do all the things that you need to do too! That’s the art I need to perfect. When will this get easy? *sigh*

So, the ending was really bright and looking to a hopeful, promising future, but I was crying. Why? Because it made me realize what I had to do… I had to give him up so that he could find his “Autumn” and so that I could find mine too. That thought both saddened and thrilled me.

Saddened me because I had been struggling to give him up multiple times for a long stretch of time, and I was once again at a place where I was hopeful for something to start up in our relationship, for it to go deeper… and once again, I was finding a reason to distance myself in that way and to let go of the thought of our relationship going to anywhere other than ‘friendship’.

Thrilled me because I was reminded of the promise that once I had truly let go, I would be freed to see all that I was missing. There would be room in my heart, in my life, to meet and see the one that would make me feel sure of “something that I was never sure of with you.” And that made me hopeful for what is to come when I let go of the one that “I was never sure of”.

Although the main character and the whole audience may not know what was going on in Summer’s mind or in her heart, I could relate to a lot of why she may have done what she had done. There was a core issue in her heart that she could not let go of, nor could she let go of him, an interesting guy who she got along with really well and who took an interest in her. Conflict of interest within. Yet for her, it seemed so much easier to just go along with whatever she wanted to do with him, while I am more on the the spectrum of resisting doing what I want to do with him. Sometimes I allow myself to take a degree of action, but there’s always another part of me that listens to that resistance. Resistance leads to tension which would lead to some dissatisfaction deep within.

At the same time, had I gone through with everything that I had wanted to do in regards to him, I may have made him a very miserable man in the end. The during might have been somewhat enjoyable, but the end could have been possibly tormenting. Although, thinking back, the during has been both enjoyable and tormenting alternately anyways, might as well have enjoyed it more while I had the opportunities? yeah? .. I guess my hope is that my torment was not in vain. I have to hope and sort of trust that in exchange for my torment, he was spared a lot of torment, both during and in the end. I have to trust that, or I will be regretful, for the things that could have been and the things that are not.

“I really do hope you’re happy.”

Not only was there academic trauma, but also spiritual anguish and deep personal questioning pervading through my whole being. I was deeply troubled and had felt like the world was threatening to cave in on me, and I would have been buried alive. This was not something easily swallowed. Through this all, I kept searching and hiding and opening up with the raw feelings, thoughts, and life-shattering fears that were pent up inside somewhere bursting out for my soul to be heard. My heart threatened to close up, but there was something that kept coaxing me to open it up again. Thankfully, I chose to listen to that coaxing voice and opened up to some people who could help me out. This journey I was embarking on was one of exploring & discovering my true identity: my true beliefs and values, not just the ones that I grew up believing were my own, but to sort through and figure out what was really going on inside me.